


Different ways to say it

by ItsTheCharm



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Crushes, Hugs, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Serious Injuries, blood mention, mentions of violance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-29
Updated: 2015-05-29
Packaged: 2018-04-01 11:03:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4017334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsTheCharm/pseuds/ItsTheCharm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>People say "I love you" in a lot of different ways. "Eat something!" "Have you drunk enough water?" "Get some sleep!" "You can have the last one." "Be safe!" It means they care.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Different ways to say it

His whole body feels sore, when he comes to his senses, countless impulses rushing through his brain like the faint smell of ozone, the bumps of the ground he is laying on, the darkness around him and the silence. The latter is the most terrifying amongst all those things, he knows something isn’t right. No, scratch that, that doesn’t even cover it. Something went terribly wrong, and he is afraid to get up and see what it is. Still, he sits up to look around.

He is greeted by a dark forest. It looks familiar, even though he can barely make out anything in the thick darkness that surrounds the area. It feels like the moon and the stars have disappeared from the sky, taking every form of night life. He gets up with shaky legs, his knees buckling by the process, but he manages to stand.

And then it hits him. It hits him, with full force, the stench of blood and death. He is familiar with both odors, he smelt them often enough to recognize them. They surround him, but he can still locate where they’re coming from. He tries to swallow the lump in his throat as he approaches the source of the smell. The uneasiness grows inside of him with every passing second, he is sure, something terrible has happened. He squints his eyes – there is a huge crater in front of him, dust still swirling in the wind as if there was an explosion not so long ago. Suddenly the image of a large, muscular, crying young man flashes in his mind and then everything is swallowed by blinding light. His limbs grow cold, he finally knows, why the forest was familiar too. _This can’t be…_ He quickens his pace, reaches the edge of the crater, and, as much as his mind protests against it, looks down to see what’s in the center of the hole.

There is a dark, strange-shaped heap on the ground, he has to squint again to be able to make anything out – but then his stomach drops and he almost topples over as he hurries down, stopping a few steps away of the source of death. He sees long hair splayed out on the ground, almost covering the small figure it belongs to. Torn clothes: a white tank top and green shorts, both stained with dark blue blood, right arm severed the other hidden by the hair. Under them another body, a corpse.

The world blurs and starts vibrating, something hot and wet trails down his cheeks when he blinks, tears, he realizes. He takes a hesitant step forward, crouching down he reaches out to touch the small body. It’s cold and limp, and he feels like someone is strangling him.

“Gon…?” He chokes out, but there is no answer.

A small hiccup escapes his throat when he grabs his friend’s wrist to feel his pulse and he can barely feel it. He isn’t even sure if he should move Gon, but he has to get him away from Pitou’s wrecked body, so he carefully picks the black haired boy up and makes his way up.

His steps are slow, his feet feel like lead. He should hurry, he knows it, he has to get Gon into a hospital, he needs to be treated, or else… He swallows hard, as he readjusts his hold on his friend. The boy seems too small, feels too light, not to mention he can barely feel his heartbeat on his back. If he could use his Godspeed they would be in town already, but he used a lot in his fight against Pouf and then used up the rest to get here to Gon.

Yet he was late. He could only watch how his most precious friend struggled and lost to anger and pain, couldn’t be there for him, couldn’t guide him through the hardships… He couldn’t do a thing. He failed.

Again. 

 

Suddenly he is standing in a dimly lit place, this time surrounded by white curtain and hospital equipment. He hears the beeping of the machines and the sound of the mechanical ventilator. Gon has disappeared from his back.

The stench of death is even stronger than before, it’s sickening, but there is something else too. It’s similar to that darkness he felt in the forest, but it’s more intense too. It feels like a curse, suffocating, stealing the life of everything around it.

He is still so confused from the sudden change of scenes that he doesn’t even feels the weak tugs on his sleeves. When it finally reaches his mind he looks to his left and is greeted by Nanika’s void-like eyes and smile.

“Hand,” she says, holding out her own palms in a demanding manner.

He finally looks in front of him, there is a white bed and there lies his friend covered from head to toes in bandages, on the verge of death. He swallows hard and steps closer to the bed, but hesitates. He is afraid to touch Gon, afraid of the state he is in right now, but it’s going to be alright, Nanika is here to heal him, he’ll be alright. He unwraps Gon’s hand, but what rolls out to the white sheet isn’t resembling a human’s hand at all, it’s reduced to parched meat on bones, the stench of rotting flesh fills the air, and he feels like he could throw up any moment.

 _It’s going to be alright_ , he thinks, chants, _he’ll be alright, Nanika is here to heal him. He is going to survive this, he’ll be healthy again, it’s going to be alright._

There is light when Nanika touches Gon’s hand. It’s too bright, but he can’t take his eyes off, he can’t stop watching as life flows into that withered body, fills it up and regenerates it, he can’t stop watching his best friend being reborn.

When the light goes out it gets pitch black, but it’s not because it was too blinding and his eyes have to readjust again. He can tell, because he can see the bed in front of him crystal clear, but also that Nanika disappeared from his side. The stench is still there, thicker, more sickening; Gon’s hand is still in that terrible state. All the hope that grew inside his chest just a moment ago vanishes and panic fills his insides.

What happened? Didn’t Nanika heal Gon?

Suddenly the exposed hand twitches. He watches with horror as it reaches up and grabs the bandage that covers his head. When he realizes what’s going to happen he starts to back away, not wanting to see anything more, just wanting to get away from this hell.

And then he hears it.

“You have it easy Killua. It means nothing to you.”

 

* * *

 

Killua sits in the dark kitchen, propping his elbows on the table and covering his face with his hands. His tears stopped a while ago, but his breathing is still ragged. He is shivering too, but maybe this wasn’t because of the nightmare he just had, but from the cold sweat that covers every inch of his skin. The tiles are also cold, almost burning his bare soles, but he couldn’t care less about it. As if an ex-assassin and Pro-Hunter would catch a cold so easily…!

He had to get out of bed lest he wakes Alluka up – though he doubted that she is asleep after all the screaming he did. Mustering all his strength he staggered out into the kitchen to collect himself before he would nestle into the couch in the living room and watch TV or fool around on the internet – sleeping at nights like this was out of question. And if he wanted to be honest with himself, sleep was out of the question for the next days – until he would get so tired, he’d just pass out. He knew this just worried his sister even more, but this was the only way to avoid dreams like this even if for a short while.  

Killua lets out a shaky exhale and leans back in his chair. This was by far his worst nightmare in the past years. The dreams usually stop when he had to carry away Gon on his back, on worse days it goes till the part when Nanika can’t heal his friend. But it never went past that point; he never saw what he saw tonight. His breath hitches in his throat at the mental images and he curls inwardly trying to protect himself from something that’s inside his head.

A few minutes go by like this, before he lifts his head and carefully reaches out to take the glass that he knew was somewhere in front of him, he left it there in the afternoon. His hand finds it quickly and he gets up to fill it, then sits back and takes slow sips of the cold water. He just listens to the small noises of the house: the dripping of the tap, the ticking of the kitchen clock, dogs barking, the roar of the engine of a car carried by the wind and all kind of other noises. It feels good, and before he notices he finishes the whole glass. As he sets down the glass his hand hits another object he doesn’t remember being left there. It’s his phone – he doesn’t even know how it got there, he is sure he brought it to bed with him. Maybe he grabbed it on instinct when he left the bedroom.

He takes the device and unlocks it, the sudden light of the screen forcing him to shut his eyes; he already feels a headache coming. It’s 3:38 in the morning, much earlier than he thought. He sighs; the breath that leaves him is much steadier now, so maybe it’s time for him to get a blanket and his tablet, he could get a piece of cake too, chocolate is always good at times like this. He is just about to get up when his phone lights up and loud beeping echoes in the room. Normally this wouldn’t warrant any reaction, maybe just slight surprise, but he still feels the effects of the nightmare, so he lets out a startled yelp and throws away his phone. It lands on the desk with loud clattering; he knocks his glass over with his sudden movement, and as lucky as he is, it rolls down and crushes on the tiles.

“Fuck!” He curses under his breath when he hears shuffling from the bedroom, and soon Alluka is standing in the doorway.

“Brother, what happened?” She immediately asks.

“DON’T COME IN!” He yells, when she attempts to approach him. After seeing her startled (and slightly hurt) expression, he quickly adds: “I just broke a glass and I don’t want you to cut your feet.”

Alluka switches the light on and both blink a few times before their eyes are adjusted to the brightness.

“Why are _you_ barefoot then?” She demands, pointing an accusing finger on his legs. “And you’re saying you don’t want _me_ to cut myself… Geez, Brother!”

She kicks her own slippers off and shoves them in Killua’s direction. They’re clearly too small for him and anyway he didn’t plan to break the glass when he came into the kitchen, but right now he isn’t in the state to argue with Alluka, so he slips reluctantly into the footwear. His heels hang over the edges, but it’s better than nothing.

“Now you really have to stay there!” He glances over at Alluka with the best big brother-look he can muster, but she just rolls her eyes. _When did she start doing this_ , Killua wonders.

“Yes, yes,” she sighs in a patient tone people usually use, when they’re talking to elderly people, and it pisses him off.

He isn’t acting difficult; he just wants to be a responsible brother now that he brought her out from the mansion. He ruffles his hair in frustration – it’s messy from sleep and sweat and lets out a sigh too.

“Sorry for waking you. I’ll clean this up, you can go back to sleep!”

To his surprise (and mild irritation) Alluka shakes her head. “No, it’s fine. I’ll stay.” She says and settles down in the doorway, pulling up her knees to her chest and resting her chin on them.

It’s no use to argue over it, so Killua just shrugs and shuffles over to get the broom and the shovel then starts sweeping up the mess. It’s quiet for a while, only their breathing and the sound of glass can be heard as the white-haired teen works.

“Will you tell me now what happened?” Alluka breaks the silence, when Killua is almost done with his clean-up.

He finishes sweeping, collects the shards into a bag and puts it in the bin. When there is nothing he can busy himself with, he grabs his phone and settles down beside his sister. She looks at him patiently all the while, her hand sliding into his.

“It’s just the usual, I guess,” he murmurs, his free hand subconsciously ruffling his hair. “I just came out to drink some water, but I forgot to mute my phone and it scared the hell out of me, when it went off.”

“And how did you break the glass?” Alluka doesn’t look like she believes the story and he feels honestly offended.

“Dunno, was too busy with throwing this shit away…” he huffs, and unlocks the screen to see why it went off. Alluka watches him expectantly. “I got a mail.”

“Who sent it?”

“Probably some idiot, because only idiots bother others at three in the morning, like… Ah.”

“Who is it?” Alluka urges him.

“Gon,” the name leaves his mouth like a tired sigh, because seriously, who else would send him an email at 3 AM? Not to mention that his timing is quite off too…

“Really? What does it say?” She looks more excited to hear about his idiot of a best friend, than he is – at least there is someone.

It’s not like he isn’t glad, but the nightmare still lingers in the back of his mind, and he isn’t sure if he could pull the poker face off he puts on, when Alluka is present and he interacts with Gon in some way. He opens the mail reluctantly, hoping it would be just some average stuff, like Gon whining over the huge amount of homework Mito forces him to do, or telling about his visit to one of their mutual friends… but Killua knows, there are times, when Gon’s messages aren’t about mundane stuff. They might contain some, but there is always something in those messages, that makes it difficult to read them and to respond to them, and he is honestly not ready for this.

His eyes fly over the first lines, they’re the usual _I hope you’re doing okay, tell Alluka I said hi_ but then he reads a word and his mind starts to panic. He springs up before his mind can catch up, reels back from the sudden movement – the nightmare affected him more, than he thought.

“Brother? Brother, what happened?” Alluka sounds worried. He totally forgot that she is there too and must have watched him the whole time.

He tries to calm his breathing – when did he start to hyperventilate? – and rereads the message. Maybe his brain jumped immediately into the wrong conclusion after seeing that, he hopes, but no, the words form the same sentence even after reading it twice.

“Gon is in hospital.”

 

* * *

 

Killua hates hospitals. It’s ridiculous, he knows, but he hates them nevertheless. The air reeks from disease and death, poorly masked with disinfectant and detergent. He can’t forget it since that short time he spent sitting alone on front of a private ward, swearing to himself that he’d make that idiot, who lay there barely alive apologize. How could he forget it, he relives those times quite often in his dreams only to wake up screaming from the top of his lungs. The stench has ingrained itself into his senses, making him feel sick as soon as he smells it.

It’s not different this time either. As soon as he enters the building with Alluka on his side the stench hits him, and he has to fight back the urge to turn around and leave. They ask for Gon’s room number at the reception and head towards the ward they were directed to. It seems like Gon is in a normal ward, not in a private one, but Killua is too busy with keeping the unwanted flashbacks at bay to care about that. _It’s fine,_ he chants, _Gon is fine_. _He texted me, so he is fine_. Alluka follows him silently, holding onto the bouquet they bought for their black haired friend. She can probably sense his growing distress, because she glances at him from time to time. They reach the designated room in this state.

Standing in front of the door Killua doesn’t know what to do. Should he just walk in, or maybe knock and wait for someone to let them in? He discards the latter – they are in a section where injured people are treated, most of the patients are bedridden.  Suddenly there is a soft pressure on his right hand, Alluka grabbing and giving it a reassuring squeeze.

“I’ll go first, if you want,” she says softly, her eyes glow with understanding.

This is ridiculous. _He_ is ridiculous, how can he act so weak when it’s nothing more than visiting an injured friend while he is in the hospital? This isn’t like that time, no-no, he got this, it’s all good. He hesitantly pushes the door open, feels Alluka squeeze his hand again, so he takes a few steps and now they are inside.

The first thing he sees is an empty bed. Whether it wasn’t in use, or its owner was absent wasn’t important now,  what’s important, that he isn’t greeted by the sight of a bandaged, half-dead Gon. Taking a deep breath he slowly moves his eyes to the next bed, a small old lady looks curiously back at them from her book. He offers a small nod as greeting, Alluka bowing in a more polite manner behind him. There are three beds per room, so Gon must have the third one, and maybe he is asleep, because he would have noticed them by now. Just like before, he turns slowly towards the bed farthest to him, his nervousness increasing.

But he can’t see the bed. He only sees the white curtain that’s pulled to separate and hide the bed from prying eyes. He takes a step back, bumps into someone, most likely into Alluka, but his legs won’t stop, they’re moving him away from this place while his eyes are glued to the covered up bed.

“Brother, it’s okay…” he hears his sister's voice coming from afar but his brain doesn’t progress what she says at all.

His mind screams that nothing is okay, the bed is covered up, Gon is behind that curtain, and he is… Wait, the curtain is moving? He is going to see it, just like in his nightmare, isn’t he? No, he is not ready. He can’t see it now. He doesn’t want to see it. The curtain moves and he can see the headboard…

He bolts out of the room before he could see anything more, Alluka’s call echoing in his ears, but he won’t stop, doesn’t stop. He wants to get out, out, out.

 

The doctor who just finished changing Gon’s bandages looks confused at the sudden noise – an unknown girl’s shout and the bang of the door. The girl still stands there in the middle of the room, looking with pained expression at the door then back at the boy he just treated. Her small hands clutch the flowers she is holding. She is probably a good friend of the young Hunter, so he leaves to give them some time.

“Alluka!” Gon shouts in surprise. “What are you doing here? Where is Killua?”

Alluka runs up to Gon, hands him the bouquet and turns to leave right after that.

“I’m sorry Gon, but I need to go after my brother!" She says hastily, hand already on the doorknob.

“Eh? But… what happened?” Gon asks puzzled. Why would Killua leave so quickly, leaving his sister behind?

Alluka bites on her lower lip, eyes full with concern. “I think it was too much for him… seeing you like this, behind that curtain…”

Gon presses his eyes shut, feeling terrible to know he upset his friend. He can guess what troubled Killua and his stomach clenches with guilt.

“Don’t worry, he’ll be alright! Just give him some time!” Alluka says softly. “I have to go now. We’ll come back later, I promise!”

Gon nods and the door closes behind her back, the boy can hear her quick footsteps for a while, then they fade into the distance.

 

* * *

 

“You lost your Nen?” Killua repeats, disbelief written all over his face and he feels something cold settle in his stomach. He sits on a cheap stool next to Gon’s bed. Alluka was there too, but she went to get herself something to drink. They all knew it was just an excuse to give them some privacy, and Killua appreciates it. They can talk about things like this now.

“Well…” Gon scratches his face with his uninjured hand (the other is in a thick cast). “I don’t think it’s completely lost. I just… can’t see it.”

Killua hums, swallowing the lump in his throat. He glances towards the door, checks if Alluka is back yet before scooting closer to Gon. “So, it’s not like… Nanika couldn’t heal you, right?” His voice is a quiet murmur. He hopes Gon can’t hear the fear that gnaws at his insides.

“No, no, Ging said he could see it, when we met. He said, I probably went back to ‘normal’.”

“I see,” Killua hums again and leans back in the chair.

It’s not so surprising, he thinks. Gon was ready to throw everything away just to become strong enough to beat Pitou. It was the price he was ready to pay for that inhuman power. The white-haired boy lets out a sigh.

“You really had to do this, did you…” he murmurs, half to himself, half to Gon.

“Yeah,” Gon nods, looking straight ahead, his brows furrowing, mouth settling into a hard line. The shadows are back in his eyes Killua wished, he’d never see again. “I had to do this.”

The silence that settles between them is thick, both of them deep in their thoughts. The shadows on Gon’s face are still there and Killua wonders if this whole conflict with the chimera ants and Pitou hunts his best friend, just like it hunts him. Judging by Gon’s expression, it does.

“And? What are you going to do about it?” He asks in the attempt to snap Gon out of his dark thoughts.

“Hmmm…” Gon’s lips settle into a thoughtful pout, “I thought I could ask one of our teachers. I tried to call Bisky first, but I couldn’t reach her, so I came here to talk to Wing-san. He taught us the basics and maybe he can help me this time too.”

“Good idea,” Killua nods. “Wing is good with this stuff and he is an Enhancer, just like you.” Then a thought crosses his mind. “Why didn’t you call him first?”

The sudden guilty expression on Gon’s face surprises him. The black haired boy looks at his lap then back up at his plastered leg.

“He is going to be mad at me,” he says.

“Why’s that?” Killua blinks dumbfounded.

“We talked on the phone before we went to Greed Island, I called him to ask for help. You know, that time, when we had to pass Tsezguerra’s test. He warned me not to do this.”

“Well yeah, you tend to not listen to what others tell you quite often!” Killua remarks, and it comes out sharper than intended. He sees the hurt in Gon’s eyes for a moment, but decides not to care about it too much. It’s not like he didn’t say the truth anyway… “Anyway,” he sighs after a few moments of awkward silence. “I don’t know where Bisky is. I tried to call her too, but I couldn’t reach her either. Maybe she is off to hunt some rare treasure, that old hag…”

“Oh!” Gon snaps out of his guilt quite fast. “Did you want to ask her something too?”

“Yeah, I have a few questions regarding Alluka and Nanika.”

“I see,” Gon nods, his eyes drift towards the window then back to Killua as if he has an idea. “Why don’t you ask Wing-san? I’m sure he is trustworthy!”

“Hey, you’re right!” Killua snaps his fingers. “I’ll go and get Alluka, so we can head there. Should I tell him, that you’re here? But you have to explain that to him!”

“Of course!” Gon nods with a determined expression.

“Okay, then I’ll be off!” As Killua stands up, his eyes wander to the bed next to Gon. “By the way, why aren’t you in a private room? You’re a Pro-Hunter after all.”

“Ah that…” Gon laughs nervously, he scratches the back of his head with a sheepish look on his face. “They put me into a private room, when I got hospitalized, but I was so bored and wanted to exercise a bit… the nurses didn’t really like it I guess…”

“I can’t believe you…” Killua lets out an exasperated sigh. “They you put into a normal ward to keep you from doing stupid stuff?” Gon nods, slight blush on his face. “Seriously… You manage to be a reckless idiot even without your Nen…” Killua clicks his tongue in irritation. He has to restrain himself from hitting his friend. “Whatever…” he shakes his head and walks toward the door.

“Come back tomorrow!” Gon shouts after him, but he just waves, and the door shuts behind him with a soft click.

 

Gon slumps back into the pillow with a heavy sigh. He is sure, he upset Killua again. He can't forget the expression his friend wore, when they came to visit him the second time. If he knew it would affect Killua so negatively, he would have never asked the boy to visit him. He should have known, especially after all what had happened… yet he just thought about how nice it would be to see Killua, he just selfishly thought of himself. Another heavy sigh escapes his lips.

“Someone, who has such a good friend shouldn’t sigh like this!” Gon looks up in surprise, the old lady from the neighbouring bed smiles at him warmly. “From what I’ve heard, he came from far away to see you.” Gon just shakes his head.

“I just caused him trouble, like I always do,” he says bitterly. “I’m sure he has enough of me.”

“I don’t think so,” the lady shakes her head this time, then looks straight ahead. Her smile softens. “People say ‘I love you’ in a lot of different ways. ‘Eat something!’ ‘Have you drunk enough water?’ ‘Get some sleep!’ ‘You can have the last one.’ ‘Be safe!’ ‘Don’t do this again!’ It means they care. Your mother must have scolded you, when you did something reckless, right?” She looks back at him.

“Once she didn’t let me enter the house until I told her how I got injured,” Gon muses, but the lady just chuckles.

“She did it, because she was worried, she cared about you. I’m sure your friend is the same. He doesn’t look like the kind of person who can express his feelings openly, so he chooses to show them in a different way. He might look angry on the outside, but he cares a lot about you in the inside.”

He chuckles before he can stop himself.

_Yes, this is definitely something Killua would do._

 

* * *

 

Killua sits on the same stool he did the previous day, but this time the other one is occupied by Zushi and Wing stands next to him. Alluka sat there originally, but she went out to buy them a drink (this time for real), and the two arrived while she was away.

Zushi was excited to see them (they didn’t meet, when Killua went to see Wing), he became visibly stronger. Wing looked at Gon, his expression unreadable, but judging by his stiff stance, it seemed like he expected some bad news from Gon. Killua was glad, that Alluka takes her time. He didn’t want to keep secrets from her, but he didn’t want her to think, that Nanika couldn’t heal Gon completely. They listened to the injured boy’s explanation in silence, Zushi’s face showing stupefaction, while Wing kept a perfectly straight face. He didn’t slap his student like last time, but when he talked, they could hear the anger and disappointment in his voice. Despite this, he agreed to help Gon if he can, but only after the boy gets released from the hospital.

They’re talking about average things now, Zushi telling them about his training, Gon and Killua telling them about how they beat Greed Island.

“I’m back!” Alluka announces as she skips into the room with the drinks she bought. “Sorry, I met a kind lady on the way back and we chatted for a bit too long. Oh, it’s Wing-san!” She chirps when she notices the others in the room. Her eyes wander to Zushi now, who stares at her with wide eyes.

“This is Zushi, our friend. We met at Heavens Arena, when we were 12,” Gon introduces the boy in question. Alluka’s features light up at the mention of an old friend of her brother.

“O-OSU!!!” Zushi springs up from his seat, but his movements are stiff, almost robotic. His whole face is beet red.

“My name is Alluka Zoldyck, I’m Killua’s sister. Nice to meet you!” Whether she is oblivious of Zushi’s nervousness or chooses to ignore it is unknown, either way, she walks up to him and extends her hand for a handshake.

“Yes, nice you too… I mean!! Nice to meet you too! Osu…” Zushi looks like he'd like to vanish into thin air, but Alluka just chuckles. Even the old lady shots a knowing glance from her magazine.

Killua feels almost sorry for him. If it wouldn’t be Alluka, Killua would feel sorry for him. But since it’s his sister, he doesn’t. Well, he does. He estimates he is still stronger than the younger boy, so one wrong movement, and things will go bad for Zushi. Yes, in this sense, he does feel sorry for him.

“Alluka!” He gets up, starts walking towards the door, beckoning her to follow him. “We’re leaving!”

“Eeeeh, but why?” She wines in unison with Gon.

“We’re going sightseeing. Gon and Wing have things to discuss anyway.” It's a lie, but who cares? He doesn't, that's for sure.

She follows him reluctantly, turning back to wave when they reach the exit. Zushi can’t stop staring at the door, where the Zoldycks disappeared.

 

* * *

 

Killua’s fists slam against the hard mattress of Gon’s bed.

“Who does he think he is?!” He fumes, and Gon sighs.

“Calm down, Killua,” he says. “It’s not like he did anything bad. He just has a crush on Alluka.”

Killua’s fists slam again the mattress again. “Exactly! He has a freaking crush ON MY SISTER!!!” He rages, and Gon wonders when the nurse will come in to check on them for being this noisy. “Why on her? Why not on some other girl?” He sounds almost desperate at this point.

“It’s not something people can control, Killua,” Gon points out patiently, and it makes Killua feel like he is a whiny brat in the middle of a tantrum. Even the old lady covers her face with her book, probably to hide her laugh, and it pisses him off. This whole situation pisses him off.

“Did you see how he ogled at her the other day? Did you see???” He throws his hands in the air.

“You’re overreacting it. He just stared at her, because she is so pretty.”

“That’s it! Staring is rude! I’m sure it made her uncomfortable!”

“She didn’t seem like it bothered her.”

“She was just hiding it.”

“She is a lot more honest than you, Killua.”

Silence. Killua leans back into the chair with an angry huff, turning his face away to hide his blush. Gon lets out a small chuckle after a few moments.

“Do you remember, what Palm told us once?” The question seems off, and Killua raises an eyebrow in question. Gon smiles. “She said, love is a spontaneous thing.”

Killua closes his eyes, the sentence stirring up various memories from deep inside: a dark tunnel, humid air, the echo of hundreds of footsteps, the wind playing with his hair and a boy’s bright smile, directed right at him. _Love is a spontaneous thing._

“I get that…” he grumbles, avoiding eye-contact.

“So? What’s so wrong with Zushi? He is nice and strong, and very polite too!”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Killua asks to win some time to come up with a believable reason. Gon shakes his head. “First of all: he might be stronger, but is still not strong enough to protect her. Not to mention we’re going to leave soon too!”

“But it’s not about this, isn’t it?” Gon looks at him like he could see through him. “It’s not because he isn’t strong enough and you’re leaving soon, right?”

Killua averts his eyes again. _Damn! When did he become this sharp?_ He ruffles his hair.

“She is a bit different from the other girls in a sense…” he murmurs, still not looking at Gon. “I don’t want her to get hurt because of this.”

Gon hums, thinking through what he just heard. “You can’t know for sure what’s going to happen though.”

“Should I wait and do nothing, while my sister gets hurt?” Killua snaps.

“Of course not, I didn’t say that,” Gon lifts his hand to calm him. “Where is she? She didn’t come with you today.”

“She is in town with Zushi …” he grumbles, clearly not pleased with it.

“Really? I’m sure Alluka will have lots of fun!” Gon smiles, trying to reassure him.

“Dunno…” Killua shrugs. “I asked Wing to go with them, just to make sure nothing happens.”

“Killua…”

“Don’t look at me like this!” His tone is more defensive, than he likes it, an embarrassed blush spreads across his face seeing Gon’s reaction to his childish actions. “What happens, if some thugs attack them? Zushi can’t protect her alone. Look what happened to you, when you tried to protect a girl alone from some lowlifes! They’re safe like this,” he mumbles, fighting back a pout. It’s time to change the topic. “Anyway, do you think you can get your Nen back?”

“I don’t know,” Gon looks up at the ceiling with thoughtful eyes. “Ging said, I might pay some price to be able to use it again.”

Silence settles between them again. There is something, Killua noticed before too: Ging’s name came up quite often in their conversations, but they didn’t talk about him for too long, Gon didn’t start babbling about his father, how Killua expected him to. It was weird, considering how much the black haired boy wanted to meet the famous Hunter, he went such lengths to achieve this goal… There was a small spark, and excited glow, admiration in Gon’s eyes when he talked about Ging, but it wasn’t nearly as intense, as it should be.

“We haven’t really talked about it, but… how was it with Ging? Did you get along well?” Killua asks, because it really bugs him.

“Yeah, it was fun!” A bright smile stretches on Gon’s face. “We talked a lot, and it was amazing! He told me about his plans, how he discovered them, and a lot of other things. And I told him about our adventures. I’m glad I met him,” Gon finishes still smiling, but there is something in his eyes that doesn’t belong there. “I just wish you could have been there too…”

 

* * *

 

Gon gets released from the hospital in a month, just like last time. Killua has the feeling the nurses were happy that the Pro-Hunter left, they could barely keep him in bed, especially in the last week.

They’re standing on a square, Heavens Arena is just ahead of them. Standing in front of something tall, biding goodbye, promising each other to stay in touch – it reminds Killua too much of their parting from one and a half year ago. He thought he could leave Gon easier now, but he was wrong. It hurts just as much.

“Good luck with your training! I hope you’ll get your Nen back!” He says. The faked smile he wears hurts his cheeks. “Make sure you won’t get into trouble until then.”

“I will!” Gon’s face shines with determination as he slams his fist against his chest with a thump.

“I really doubt it!” Killua snorts. The black haired boy’s face drops immediately.

“Don’t be mean!” Gon whines with a pout. “I’ll show you that I can be careful too!” He huffs, determination back in his eyes.

“Oho, look at that!” Killua mocks him with a sly grin. “Then show me! I’m really curious!”

“You’re on!” Gon shouts, his brain already in challenge mode. Killua huffs out a laugh.

There is silence, their smiles disappear as they look at each other. Killua swallows hard, they have to go now. They’ve been here for too long, staying at a place where lot of people come and go, he can’t risk getting caught by his brother. They have to go now.

“Well then…” he says, already turning away before his resolution crumbles.

“Killua!” Gon calls out, and there is something in his voice that makes the addressed stop and look back at him with wide eyes. Gon scratches the back of his head sheepishly, looking shy all of a sudden. “Uhm, this is probably weird, and I know you are in hurry, but… can I hug you, before you leave?”

Gon stretches out his hand hesitantly, his usually confident eyes full with uncertainty and fear. Killua freezes, unable to move an inch, just stares at his friend, his mouth agape. He tried to keep a small distance their whole stay, even though he yearned to be closer. He really wanted to hug his friend, but he was afraid. What will happen, if he does it? What will happen if he lets Gon wrap his arms around him? Will he be able to leave?

A small hand pushes him gently forward, and in the next moment he finds himself in Gon’s arms. It’s not just some loose hug, Gon pulls him close, their chests press together as he wraps his muscled arms around his back. Killua is still taller than him, but Gon grew a bit too, so he can bury his face into the crook of Killua’s neck with ease. Killua feels like his heart is going to burst, but he can’t distinguish his own heartbeat from Gon’s. He clenches his fists at Gon’s sides, unable to hug him back, and lowers his head onto Gon’s broad shoulder. The last time they were so close together was when Killua carried his friend on his back after the fight with Pitou. The body that pressed against his was cold, limp and small, the stench of death oozing from it. Now all he can feel is warmth and strength, the faint smell of the hospital still lingering, but he knows it will fade soon. They stay like this for who knows how long, basking in each other’s warmth, breathing in each other’s scent. Killua knows he has to go, or else they’ll miss their airship, but he can’t bring himself to let go of Gon.

Gon feels the same. He can’t let go of Killua now that he is so close, in his arms. He is so warm and soft, his scent familiar and unknown at the same time. He nuzzles his face into the soft white hair and feels Killua curling into him. He really doesn’t want to let him go. Never ever.

“Thank you,” he murmurs into pale neck.

“What for?”

“For everything. For visiting me. For staying with me while I was bedridden. For being my friend.”

The white-haired boy wants to pull away, but Gon doesn’t let him, holds him closer instead.

“Do you remember what I told you right after we started playing Greed Island?”

Killua squeezes his eyes shut. As if he could ever forget that…

“I still feel the same,” Gon goes on. “I’m so glad that I got to meet you. It was the luckiest day in my life, when Leorio yelled at you for using your skateboard.”

Killua’s hands move on their own, he practically throws them around Gon’s back, finally hugging back his best friend. Now, that he has to leave him again, he clings into him like he is a lifeline.

“You’re such a sap…” his voice isn’t more than a soft whisper, and he feels Gon’s chest rumble with laughter.

“You know me,” he chuckles.

 

* * *

 

They pant for air as they settle down on their seats. Killua had to use Godspeed to reach the airport in time, but they made it. Alluka squeezes his hand, her eyes are still red. He squeezes back, looking at his reflection on the window. His eyes are red too. 

**Author's Note:**

> Based on [this textpost](http://yui-chan12.tumblr.com/post/104876472114/teaghantullly-au-evoir-onlyblackgirl) on tumblr. When I saw it I immediatelly thought of these two dorks, and had to come up with someting. I wanted to write this fic since long time, but I had exams, then I started After the fourth time, then some family stuff happened, that kept me from writing, then jobhunt and being lazy and having writers block, so yeah, long story short, I couldn't get to write it. But now I had to do it!
> 
> It was difficult to write the nightmare scene, I seriously don't know how I could bring myself to do it. It wasn't even in the original idea, but I thought I should make it more interesting. Well...
> 
> Killua might seem weak, but I don't think any kind of assassin-training could have prepared him to see his most precious friend in that state...
> 
> On another note, I often read headcanons about Zushi having a crush on Alluka and first I couldn't imagine it, but now I think it's cute :'D I love the idea of Killua being a(n over)protective Onii-chan! <3
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for reading, I hope you liked this fic!


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